Off The Top Of My Head

freedom, roots and love

Funny sometimes how it seems I need to regress in order to progress. I have often felt like coming home I regress a little in my character, maybe a longing to be taken care of.  I used to come home and tease my sister and harass her, something like being back in high school or our childhoods. Though over time I do that less, if any at all. I suppose there is the fact that a lot of growing up has happened over the past 6 years. Erika has a family. They are wonderful people in the community and command a great deal of respect for the things that they do here. Erika and Pete do everything they can in raising two wonderful boys and have tons of fun with them. They have also shown me a lot of love and support in taking me into their home. Generous people, and loving family.

Making things simpler in order to dig deeper, to open up things that have been saved for another time. Sitka is beginning to provide me a grounded feeling. Its almost like I can feel my roots begin to grow again, to feed my soul. Standing watching Kobi and Pete play in the surf the other day at Sandy Beach, looking at the stars on my walks with Luna in the evenings, standing on my property and feeling the ground beneath me. All of what I was looking for and more in moving up here.

Acting like I am a kid again seems to allow me a little freedom to explore other paths in my internal workings and on my external being as well. Kobi and Anan are daily reminders that I can’t take myself too seriously. I have to let somethings go, to let myself play again and to relax my grip on life a little. I can’t control it all. I can let myself live, love and be loved. I will learn to live life out loud in many ways, some familiar and some new.

I

Landed

the trip north…

“I think over again my small adventures My fears, those small ones that seemed so big All the vital things I had to get and to reach Yet, there is only one great thing, the only thing To live to see the great day that dawns And the light that fills the world”, Farley Mowat – Never Cry Wolf

Jaime and I had a great trip north. We spent lots of time relaxing, reading, talking about life and adventures ahead, writing and looking off into the world unfolding in front of us and passing behind. The actual ferry ride turned out to be pretty uneventful. Calm seas, even in Queen Charlotte Sound, where we were warned several times by the purser, “it can be rough, if you happen to be over the age of 40 (!), please take extra precautions. Hold handrails as you move around the ship, and maybe even think about staying seated for the hour long crossing or find a nice place to lay down or lay on the floor. You are more likely to break or fracture bones as they are more brittle with age.” He said this not just once, but twice at least before each crossing of open water! I mean come on 40! We had to laugh!

So first stop after about 38 hours of being under way; Ketchikan, Alaska. We arrived at 9:30 am and decided to hop off the boat as the scheduled departure wasn’t until 3:00pm that afternoon. We were hungry and wanted to find some of the local fare to sample. A short walk into town, we found ourselves at Dave’s Red Anchor. Looked local, so it must be a good one right? Well, it was pretty good. Jaime enjoyed a scramble and I had a 2×2x2 (short stack with eggs), which they actually made a three stack as I didn’t get the  latter half of the 2 (sausage, bacon or ham). After several cups of coffee and our hearty meals we decided it was time to stroll down the way and see what was up in town. Mind you it was Sunday morning so not much was really happening until… we came upon the Totem Bar.

I am not sure that the Totem is the seediest bar in town but it certainly had a loyal following at 11 am that morning, and many of those fans had been there long before we happened in the door. We ordered up our vitamin R for the morning, as Jaime was fond of saying “when in Rome”, and sat near the front (as close to the door for air and what ever else might be necessary). Jaime made quick friends, Sonny introduced himself to Jaime in the bathroom and then came over to the table to reintroduce himself later as well as to me. We got to talking, well Sonny did most of the talking, we had to listen very carefully to understand, see a. Sonny was fairly drunk by 11 am and b. I am not sure how many teeth the guy still had so the slurring was exaggerated. So long Sonny story short… Sonny is a Sourdough. As he explained, “Sour on the country, short on the dough to get out!”

After our cans of Rainier were quaffed Jaime and I decided it was time to move on. Maybe find a place where we could sit and do a little reading or maybe writing. Down the way we came upon the ‘ol 49′er. Another local place, though this one a little more refined. Free WiFi and a little less smokey atmosphere, pool tournament going on in the back of the bar. We sat for a while, Jaime enabling his out of office message and me reading. We then observed a guy at the bar plowing through, what seemed like a couple hundred pull tabs, and got to talking about that whole thing. We then decided to give it a try. 10 cards later we had 5 winners for $1 each, then two, then one, then none. Hmm, time to head down the way to find some lunch before getting back on the boat.

Ketchikan to Wrangell then Petersburg went very smooth. Jaime and I stood at the front of the boat as we went through Wrangell Narrows at midnight, a very tight and twisted passageway that the ferries negotiate with precision. It is amazing to see what they will go through with such a big boat and there wasn’t any fog that night! After getting sufficiently chilled we headed back to our sleeping quarters.

Our Solarium digs

The sleeping arrangements, which some would have said I should have tackled much earlier in this post, were up on the solarium deck on the top aft of the ferry. There were only about 10 of the 150 souls on board the boat out of Bellingham who braved the conditions up there. In the summers there are many more of course, but the winters, well Jaime and I were some of the last on the final legs of the journey. And we considered differently at one point but had to stay to see the solarium journey through to the end. We both had our sleeping cots with sleeping pads and bags to snuggle up in. The first couple of nights were pretty comfortable and the nights after that we layered a few more clothes and I mummied up a little more in the bag. All in all I am really happy that we stayed up there. Great fresh air and a much more calm environment than being in one of the below deck lounges.

Juneau kind of came and went for us. Mostly spending time in the solarium or in the lounge reading, writing and talking. Next stops were Haines and Skagway. Haines was fine, most of our solarium brethren departed, as I would guess that about half of the ferries car bookings were to Haines as people made their way north to Anchorage, Wasilla, Fairbanks and other parts.

Skagway, well Skagway turned out to be a whole ‘nother story!

This is the scene that we encountered when we first walked into the town of Skagway. It was a ghost town! Not a car. Not a store front open. No one, I mean no one but us on the main street of town. We walked down a few blocks and peeled off on a side street where it looked like there was a Radio Shack open. As we approached the door someone was coming out and he informed us that nothing is open on Sundays or Mondays in town, except of course the Eagles and the Moose. So much for the dinner and beers in Skagway I guess. Well not so fast. Jaime had a possible here, his Mom, Dad, Step-Dad and Grandfather were all Eagles, maybe they could get us into the venerable FOE. A quick call to Mom for her number and off we went in search. We found it, made it through the front door and up to the bar to explain. Mom’s number, nope that doesn’t do us any good. Other family affiliations, nope, the same, we had to have a sponsor and that comes as a liability of some sort that no one in the bar was willing to take in the two of us. Well, one last thing. Jaime’s Mom on a recent trip up to Skagway on a cruise and in a visit to the Eagles there ran into an old Elma, WA resident and someone from Jaime’s class, Clint. So last ditch Jaime mentioned knowing Clint. And if the entire place didn’t turn around and recognize Clint’s name being thrown out there, well we would have been headed back to the boat at that very moment. We were instant friends with everyone there and immediately were sponsored in and allowed to saddle up to the bar. Two minutes later, Clint was walking through the door after someone gave Jaime his number and the call made. We stay as long as we possibly could. Jaime sitting talking with Clint, and I with Ken the 24 year resident of the bar stool next to me… and I had no doubt that he called that stool his. Skagway will forever hold a place in my heart as one decent town!

We made our way back to the ferry, carefully as it had become pretty slippery and our friends at the Eagles had been pretty generous with buying us drinks. The purser and loading crew were glad to see us make it back and we shoved off as soon as Jaime and I were on board. Another stop in Haines and Juneau were made before we embarked for Sitka waters. And at 3:00pm Tuesday we drove off the ferry, 3 days and 21 hours after boarding in Bellingham, to a very excited welcoming committee of Erika, Pete, Kobi, Anan, Mom and Luna.

Driving into town was great! Luna riding beside me in the front of the truck. Pete and Jaime in the new truck for Pete and Erika, and everyone else following behind.

The last several days have been filled with unloading, organizing and settling into my new/old surroundings. I have also spent a little time doing some work on the property. Luna and I have been having a great time being back in each others company. And being here with the family has been great! They are busy as ever and I am trying to step right into all the activities. That being said, expect more from me soon. That is if I can muster the energy to write…

For now, ciao.

Friendship Together

Boundaries were strongly created
Now weakly, slowly withdrawn

Where ran the conviction?
Heated, melted, flowed away

The power of decision gave strength
now forgotten, undone, undecided

Shaking from the danger of the closeness
Closer means nothing at all
Leaving is keeping together

And I want closer
Want your friendship inside me
Energizing, Beautiful, Loving
If only those would result

And I know differently

Lets keep it together

by Beth Peterman

Año Nuevo

New Year's Eve day, Quito, Ecuador 1998. We walked the streets of Quito with Erika, watching the parades and parties. Later that evening the people burned the parade floats and effigies in celebration of the turning of the New Year

Año Nuevo, the New Year.

In some countries, including Ecuador, one of the traditions is to burn a effigy, symbolizing a cleaning out of the old year and a welcoming of the new. We witnessed a massive party at the turn from 1998 to 1999 in the streets of Ecuador and some pretty incredible effigies. Some representing political figures and turmoil, some famous and infamous people in the world who had passed that year, and lots of random representations of things that people wanted to honor or usher away from the year of 1998.

I have been thinking about what that means to me this year… how do I pass this one into some sort of history bank, how do I pay tribute to, and escort on the year of 2009? What do I set aflame? Will it burn slowly, smolder until it is only ashes? Do I add a splash of accelerant and help the conflagration reach the sky? Maybe lighting the match and sitting back to watch the flames lick the air, contemplating life as one does around a campfire, would be more appropriate.

I don’t know what I am going to do this New Years Eve. I know I will spend it thinking largely of Beth and our many years passed together. In the last 17, I don’t remember spending any without her, though that could be a matter of revisionist history.

I do go forward knowing that next year will bring new things. I don’t want to expect any outcome from those things, other than it being a different experience. Good, bad or indifferent, I know it will happen. I won’t go into 2010 with expectations at this point. Expectations right now feels like I could be setting myself up, possibly for more pain, though some would say that would seem difficult to do given the past year. No matter I will walk forward into my Año Nuevo.

Some truths make life

a never ending search for the best

Clear pictures show reality

Framed by strong emotions

The images pull

With the force of promises

Promises of fulfillment

Snapshots are moments and

Life goes reel-to-reel

Between the frames

Hardships rule, decisions tear hearts

To live only inside the borders

Would be to deny growth any possibility

Static lives don’t explain any mysteries

Finding answers among all the truths

Rewards delayed gratification

and true hearts

by Beth Peterman, early 1993

Happy Birthday Beth!

The following youtube attachment is a song that I found for Beth on her birthday a number of years back. This is the only way that I can find it so far to share with you, listen and enjoy. The band, if you are interested is Munkafust, you will get the name of the song pretty quick when you listen to it!

Play the song often today in her honor! It always made her laugh that great little laugh she had when something really hit it home…

Reflections

Today so far has been a reflective day. Actually the last couple of days have been. Beth’s Birthday is tomorrow. A very special Solstice Baby she is. My mind has wandered near a far in our lives, some very special moments. Just a few pictures from some of those moments to follow…

Wandering around West Seattle to see all of the lighted houses. This one was taken at a very popular Beach Drive house on her birthday last year.

Menashe Family’s home, 5600 block of Beach Drive

Some may recognize this scene from an Emily Carr painting we used on our wedding invites. The walk is in Sitka National Historical Park where Beth and I were married.

Two very inspiring women, Beth and her Grandmother next to Gram's clematis.

the most beautiful clematis

Hiking with Luna Baker Lakes Wilderness Area

So many hiking memories.

A very relaxing stay at a fire lookout in Montana. Beth, Luna and I spent 5 days just hanging out in this lookout just outside of Hamiliton Montana.

from inside the fire lookout. We had the best weather and the accommodations were perfect.On our way down from a blissful week in the fire lookout you see in the background.

From our early days together. Sitting on my Uncle Frank's deck on one of our days off the summer of 1993 that we worked at his grocery store.

Riding on top of the box car train in Ecuador with Erika... a risky side of Beth most didn't see.

one of Beth's favorite places to be, on the water floating around with the seals.

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In the painful abyss of grief

the last couple of weeks have been hard. At times I feel like I have been beat up, my eyes feel puffy and bruised. I was walking around the other day dragging my feet, like I was walking through water.

Some have said that its ‘where I should be in the process’. In the ‘pit’ as one put it. 6 months seems to be the low for many. Our six months comes at a particularly hard time, the holidays. My sense of loss is of course amplified, as it is for many others, as I wander around the house and the world without Beth physically here with me. I find myself asking more often what she would say or do about something or another. How she would spread her love to those around her. The reflections we would share together after an evening of conversations at Festivus, or the work holiday parties.

Grief for me has begun to transition a bit, I think at this point not in my interest, in becoming an internalized process. I have found that being by myself isn’t probably what I need right now. I am excited for my family to come down to Seattle, and I am glad that the extended family is going to have some time together. Grieving at this time can be a shared experience, though I know its not going to be easy.

I have been reflecting with my therapist and in the support group that I attend that without those two forums, my grief would be a whole different thing. Likely something that would resolve itself in not so healthy ways. I would also have a much harder time working on my move back home.

I read an interesting article the other day that included the following: Grief comes to us all. We loose the people and the things we love. In the painful abyss of grief, we’re neither better nor worse than anyone else. We feel the vulnerability of our essential humanness – our need for comfort and our terror of being alone – and recognize in others a shared humanity. We need to know that grieving can take many forms, and might not follow prescribed patterns. We need to know that pushing away the emotional reality of grief isn’t helpful….since grieving can be a shared experience, it makes sense that working through it with others can be a first step on the road toward healing.

I hope that everyone around me, those who love Beth and miss her so, have what they need. I worry at times about that. I wish that I could do more and I know that Beth didn’t want any of you out there on your own either. Do what you need to do of course, but don’t stuff it. It’s real. She is not with us physically any longer, and acknowledging that honors her and will refresh your spirit with her love.

quick plug for the Team Bear blog

I know that most of you following along here are also occasionally in touch with the Team Bear blog. It has been a little quiet there for a time and recently we have been back active again. We are starting to put the 2010 Seattle Challenge team together and are asking everyone to join us again. Looking forward to a great turn out next year! Visit Team Bear at: http://www.team-bear.org

Thanks again to all who supported us in 2009!

direction, words and enlightenment from cookies

from a dinner that I had with my mom, mid July just after returning from Sitka. Thing was, I only opened 3 cookies… my fortune must have been needing direction.from my trip to Maine over Thanksgiving. Brent and I went on an overnight hike and happened upon this spectacular view when we stepped out of the trees. Hiked a couple of hours south along the shoreline and found a spot to camp. Glorious!