one year passed…

from some writings of June 24, 2010…

I woke this morning thinking something would feel different, that I would have a moment of profound connection, or that through the lapse of time I would be visited by a spirit of clarity and peace. Really it isn’t like any other day, yet it IS like every other day.

I really struggled with how to exist in this day. Beth wouldn’t want the day marked as a day to remember her. She would acknowledge that the day that she died, for those who knew her, their emotions might be raw, it might be a day that you are more reflective, sad, angry or miss her just that much more. But to mark it as a day for her, one reserved in some way in her honor… no, she wouldn’t want that.

I did want to find her in some way. I got up at 3:50 this morning to be awake and aware at that same moment that she passed from this place to where ever she is now. Nothing in particular happened. I didn’t feel that much different than the day before, or likely how I will feel tomorrow. After dropping Michael, Melanthia and Max at the airport, I decided to head down to Alki and watch the sunrise over the city. The scene was very peaceful and I was able to clear a lot of space in my head to be with Beth. Beth would have never been up for the sunrise in the middle of the summer… 5:00 am, no way. Though I know the idea would have brought a smile to her face.

After sitting for awhile, the sun just coming up over the tops of the city skyline I headed up to the Alaska Junction to have a croissant and coffee. Sharing a morning coffee with that girl was one of the best ways to start a morning. Remembering Beth, and in a similar way my Dad, often centers around food memories and favorites. Twiced baked croissants, a good cup of coffee, a nice spicy green curry, salted caramel ice cream. I had the first two and the last.

There are certain parts of both places that I am in now that I wish I could combine. Sitka has been really good for me. My mind is quiet there, I can think without being overwhelmed. I am in great shape from not only building my house but also all of the activities that I can engage in there (sometimes more to the point have to engage in with Erika, Pete, Kobi and Anan). The past year is really hard to quantify or say how it really has gone in just a few words.

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