Año Nuevo

New Year's Eve day, Quito, Ecuador 1998. We walked the streets of Quito with Erika, watching the parades and parties. Later that evening the people burned the parade floats and effigies in celebration of the turning of the New Year

Año Nuevo, the New Year.

In some countries, including Ecuador, one of the traditions is to burn a effigy, symbolizing a cleaning out of the old year and a welcoming of the new. We witnessed a massive party at the turn from 1998 to 1999 in the streets of Ecuador and some pretty incredible effigies. Some representing political figures and turmoil, some famous and infamous people in the world who had passed that year, and lots of random representations of things that people wanted to honor or usher away from the year of 1998.

I have been thinking about what that means to me this year… how do I pass this one into some sort of history bank, how do I pay tribute to, and escort on the year of 2009? What do I set aflame? Will it burn slowly, smolder until it is only ashes? Do I add a splash of accelerant and help the conflagration reach the sky? Maybe lighting the match and sitting back to watch the flames lick the air, contemplating life as one does around a campfire, would be more appropriate.

I don’t know what I am going to do this New Years Eve. I know I will spend it thinking largely of Beth and our many years passed together. In the last 17, I don’t remember spending any without her, though that could be a matter of revisionist history.

I do go forward knowing that next year will bring new things. I don’t want to expect any outcome from those things, other than it being a different experience. Good, bad or indifferent, I know it will happen. I won’t go into 2010 with expectations at this point. Expectations right now feels like I could be setting myself up, possibly for more pain, though some would say that would seem difficult to do given the past year. No matter I will walk forward into my Año Nuevo.

Some truths make life

a never ending search for the best

Clear pictures show reality

Framed by strong emotions

The images pull

With the force of promises

Promises of fulfillment

Snapshots are moments and

Life goes reel-to-reel

Between the frames

Hardships rule, decisions tear hearts

To live only inside the borders

Would be to deny growth any possibility

Static lives don’t explain any mysteries

Finding answers among all the truths

Rewards delayed gratification

and true hearts

by Beth Peterman, early 1993

Happy Birthday Beth!

The following youtube attachment is a song that I found for Beth on her birthday a number of years back. This is the only way that I can find it so far to share with you, listen and enjoy. The band, if you are interested is Munkafust, you will get the name of the song pretty quick when you listen to it!

Play the song often today in her honor! It always made her laugh that great little laugh she had when something really hit it home…

Reflections

Today so far has been a reflective day. Actually the last couple of days have been. Beth’s Birthday is tomorrow. A very special Solstice Baby she is. My mind has wandered near a far in our lives, some very special moments. Just a few pictures from some of those moments to follow…

Wandering around West Seattle to see all of the lighted houses. This one was taken at a very popular Beach Drive house on her birthday last year.

Menashe Family’s home, 5600 block of Beach Drive

Some may recognize this scene from an Emily Carr painting we used on our wedding invites. The walk is in Sitka National Historical Park where Beth and I were married.

Two very inspiring women, Beth and her Grandmother next to Gram's clematis.

the most beautiful clematis

Hiking with Luna Baker Lakes Wilderness Area

So many hiking memories.

A very relaxing stay at a fire lookout in Montana. Beth, Luna and I spent 5 days just hanging out in this lookout just outside of Hamiliton Montana.

from inside the fire lookout. We had the best weather and the accommodations were perfect.On our way down from a blissful week in the fire lookout you see in the background.

From our early days together. Sitting on my Uncle Frank's deck on one of our days off the summer of 1993 that we worked at his grocery store.

Riding on top of the box car train in Ecuador with Erika... a risky side of Beth most didn't see.

one of Beth's favorite places to be, on the water floating around with the seals.

Read the rest of this entry »

In the painful abyss of grief

the last couple of weeks have been hard. At times I feel like I have been beat up, my eyes feel puffy and bruised. I was walking around the other day dragging my feet, like I was walking through water.

Some have said that its ‘where I should be in the process’. In the ‘pit’ as one put it. 6 months seems to be the low for many. Our six months comes at a particularly hard time, the holidays. My sense of loss is of course amplified, as it is for many others, as I wander around the house and the world without Beth physically here with me. I find myself asking more often what she would say or do about something or another. How she would spread her love to those around her. The reflections we would share together after an evening of conversations at Festivus, or the work holiday parties.

Grief for me has begun to transition a bit, I think at this point not in my interest, in becoming an internalized process. I have found that being by myself isn’t probably what I need right now. I am excited for my family to come down to Seattle, and I am glad that the extended family is going to have some time together. Grieving at this time can be a shared experience, though I know its not going to be easy.

I have been reflecting with my therapist and in the support group that I attend that without those two forums, my grief would be a whole different thing. Likely something that would resolve itself in not so healthy ways. I would also have a much harder time working on my move back home.

I read an interesting article the other day that included the following: Grief comes to us all. We loose the people and the things we love. In the painful abyss of grief, we’re neither better nor worse than anyone else. We feel the vulnerability of our essential humanness – our need for comfort and our terror of being alone – and recognize in others a shared humanity. We need to know that grieving can take many forms, and might not follow prescribed patterns. We need to know that pushing away the emotional reality of grief isn’t helpful….since grieving can be a shared experience, it makes sense that working through it with others can be a first step on the road toward healing.

I hope that everyone around me, those who love Beth and miss her so, have what they need. I worry at times about that. I wish that I could do more and I know that Beth didn’t want any of you out there on your own either. Do what you need to do of course, but don’t stuff it. It’s real. She is not with us physically any longer, and acknowledging that honors her and will refresh your spirit with her love.

quick plug for the Team Bear blog

I know that most of you following along here are also occasionally in touch with the Team Bear blog. It has been a little quiet there for a time and recently we have been back active again. We are starting to put the 2010 Seattle Challenge team together and are asking everyone to join us again. Looking forward to a great turn out next year! Visit Team Bear at: http://www.team-bear.org

Thanks again to all who supported us in 2009!

direction, words and enlightenment from cookies

from a dinner that I had with my mom, mid July just after returning from Sitka. Thing was, I only opened 3 cookies… my fortune must have been needing direction.from my trip to Maine over Thanksgiving. Brent and I went on an overnight hike and happened upon this spectacular view when we stepped out of the trees. Hiked a couple of hours south along the shoreline and found a spot to camp. Glorious!