I know that I don’t have to.

…but I want to say I am sorry to those who, I haven’t called back, those emails that I haven’t followed up on, to those who I can’t seem to plan a meet up with, and to those I lose patience with.

Things seem to have gotten harder for me lately. It feels more painful over the past month or so anyway. Reality sets in, the empty space looms in my heart and head. I don’t have the ability to step back sometimes and take that deep breath. My fuse is short, I feel like walling myself off yet want to shout out in the middle of the street… ‘do you know what I am going through!’

There is a story, a book that I would recommend to anyone who wants to understand a little more. Joan Diddion’s, The Year of Magical Thinking. I listened to it, twice, on my drive up to Alaska this summer. I don’t really feel like this year has been ‘magical’ at this point. Though I am sure looking back someday I will see some sort of wisdom that will come out of it. I don’t think I will ever really understand any notion of things “happening for a reason” or under some great plan… that would be a pretty f#%@’d up plan!

Though I know I will learn something from it. Things about myself, like how I enjoy being around people but need an extrovert in my life to gather them around. Or that being open, sharing life, possibilities and wonder should never be delayed. Life is too short to wait. Also, we fool ourselves when we think that we have control, that what we have now can guarantee something down the road. Don’t kid yourself, live it now.

So for now, know that I am not ignoring you if I don’t get back to you. If the phone call is cut short, or if I space out in the middle of our conversation, its no reflection of how I feel towards you or my desire to being in company. It’s just… well it’s just where I am at right now and I want it to be different. I am doing the best I can I suppose.

stay with it and write about it…

So I have been seeing therapists for the past couple of years and my current one reminds me of this every so often… ’stay with it and then write about it.’ She is referring to times when I have moments of grief, or thoughts of my transition and my life with out Beth.

It’s a lot harder than it sounds of course. I have those moments every day, multiple times a day. Some like a horrible flash back, some come on gradually, some drift in and out. I seem to have these moments more often while I am out walking the dog or listening to music. I find that while I am in the house, alone, the noise in my head is too intense to really hear what is going on. I also spend a lot more energy blocking out those moments when I am here alone.

As many of you know I will be making a move in the not to distant future that I think will help ground me a little so that I can work some of this all out. Sitka has been a place that Beth and I often talked of moving to for a time. A place that of course brings me close to family and back to my roots. It was a place that Beth entertained being in for its beauty, quiet pace of life and the relative quality of life that can come with that. We never worked out all of the details so were never able to make that move. For me now though, that move will happen. I won’t be closing my Seattle doors and will keep our house here. Time will tell if and when I will return back or if Sitka will once again become my home.

Many have asked what I will be doing while I am there. I have not felt like I can get back into flying just yet, though know that the day will come when I am ready to grab the controls commercially again. Doing that work is an awesome responsibility and one that I would never take lightly. I will return someday as I can say that I miss it a lot right now. So the question remains, what am I going to do besides the constant goings on of Kobi and Anan and their family. I am going lay down some concrete, swing a hammer, plumb and run electrical wire, put up some drywall, paint and finish a house. Just a little something to clear the head and occupy some time and invest in my self.

Last time I was home an opportunity came along that I just couldn’t pass up. A property adjacent to a property that Erika and Pete own and next to some great friends of theirs was rumored to be available. It wasn’t on the market yet but the owners might be willing to unload it at a great price to the right person. I put the call in and got endorsements from the neighboring property friends and now have a lot in Sitka.Here is a google maps link to the satelite view of the property (the treed lot in the center of the map, lot 3 is the lower third)
View Larger Map

In the meantime I find myself working through things here at the house. I am slowly going through every closet, corner and shelf to try and make sense of everything that we have collected over the years. Not to worry I am reaching out for help in doing some of this as doing this on my own would be overwhelming for sure. Raynu (my big sister-in-law) and Hilary (rockstar friend for the ages) and I spent a good three hours yesterday organizing Beth’s clothes. No small task, and I know they would say I understate that, as Beth appreciated looking nice, not overdressed but nice, and certainly liked her shoes… Right now, I am holding on to everything until a few people have a chance to look through the collection, then most of it will be donated to a few different places that will help women in need. I know that is what Beth would have wanted.

So for now, I will stay with my feelings, try not to run from the pain and write when I can. I hope that sharing with those who choose to read helps in some way. It certainly helps me. More another day. thanks for being there…