one year passed…

from some writings of June 24, 2010…

I woke this morning thinking something would feel different, that I would have a moment of profound connection, or that through the lapse of time I would be visited by a spirit of clarity and peace. Really it isn’t like any other day, yet it IS like every other day.

I really struggled with how to exist in this day. Beth wouldn’t want the day marked as a day to remember her. She would acknowledge that the day that she died, for those who knew her, their emotions might be raw, it might be a day that you are more reflective, sad, angry or miss her just that much more. But to mark it as a day for her, one reserved in some way in her honor… no, she wouldn’t want that.

I did want to find her in some way. I got up at 3:50 this morning to be awake and aware at that same moment that she passed from this place to where ever she is now. Nothing in particular happened. I didn’t feel that much different than the day before, or likely how I will feel tomorrow. After dropping Michael, Melanthia and Max at the airport, I decided to head down to Alki and watch the sunrise over the city. The scene was very peaceful and I was able to clear a lot of space in my head to be with Beth. Beth would have never been up for the sunrise in the middle of the summer… 5:00 am, no way. Though I know the idea would have brought a smile to her face.

After sitting for awhile, the sun just coming up over the tops of the city skyline I headed up to the Alaska Junction to have a croissant and coffee. Sharing a morning coffee with that girl was one of the best ways to start a morning. Remembering Beth, and in a similar way my Dad, often centers around food memories and favorites. Twiced baked croissants, a good cup of coffee, a nice spicy green curry, salted caramel ice cream. I had the first two and the last.

There are certain parts of both places that I am in now that I wish I could combine. Sitka has been really good for me. My mind is quiet there, I can think without being overwhelmed. I am in great shape from not only building my house but also all of the activities that I can engage in there (sometimes more to the point have to engage in with Erika, Pete, Kobi and Anan). The past year is really hard to quantify or say how it really has gone in just a few words.

….

a few quick pictures from a big week so far

Driving the forklift to Wachusetts

most of the floor is on! a little video look….

Life here in Sitka…

A view from the top of Castle Hill this morning.

Luna and I are out on a walk. Just stopped in to the Backdoor Cafe for a cup of Raven’s Brew and a snack. Beautiful out this morning though the weather is supposed to pick up with winds howling in at over 60 knots later this afternoon. Snow and rain though out the day.

The following is from my first week here in town. We all headed out for a little hike up Beaver Lake Trail. Being out in the old growth green of Sitka has been great for my soul. I can feel life creeping back in and the touch of my roots through the ground. Getting out there with the boys is fun!

Friendship Together

Boundaries were strongly created
Now weakly, slowly withdrawn

Where ran the conviction?
Heated, melted, flowed away

The power of decision gave strength
now forgotten, undone, undecided

Shaking from the danger of the closeness
Closer means nothing at all
Leaving is keeping together

And I want closer
Want your friendship inside me
Energizing, Beautiful, Loving
If only those would result

And I know differently

Lets keep it together

by Beth Peterman

Some truths make life

a never ending search for the best

Clear pictures show reality

Framed by strong emotions

The images pull

With the force of promises

Promises of fulfillment

Snapshots are moments and

Life goes reel-to-reel

Between the frames

Hardships rule, decisions tear hearts

To live only inside the borders

Would be to deny growth any possibility

Static lives don’t explain any mysteries

Finding answers among all the truths

Rewards delayed gratification

and true hearts

by Beth Peterman, early 1993

Happy Birthday Beth!

The following youtube attachment is a song that I found for Beth on her birthday a number of years back. This is the only way that I can find it so far to share with you, listen and enjoy. The band, if you are interested is Munkafust, you will get the name of the song pretty quick when you listen to it!

Play the song often today in her honor! It always made her laugh that great little laugh she had when something really hit it home…

quick plug for the Team Bear blog

I know that most of you following along here are also occasionally in touch with the Team Bear blog. It has been a little quiet there for a time and recently we have been back active again. We are starting to put the 2010 Seattle Challenge team together and are asking everyone to join us again. Looking forward to a great turn out next year! Visit Team Bear at: http://www.team-bear.org

Thanks again to all who supported us in 2009!

100 million bottles…

today’s music mix will be headlined by the Police. yesterday it was Little Jackie and Goodness.

Message in a Bottle was just playing in Austin Java (City Hall’s cafe). Music has played a larger part in my world lately. I listen a lot more than I used to. Something I guess that was building for a little while as Beth really liked having music going. She also found it strange sometimes that I could be home in silent space, working, reading or whatever with nothing going on in the background. I guess lately I have found some comfort in some of the messages and themes in the music I listen to. Community, heartache, love, protest, joy, dance and life of others in general- fictitious or real.

On the music note, I am hoping that we can get out one night while we are hear to catch a set or two. I walked around the city last night, looking for a bite to eat, then just to listen to the various gigs going at the local bars. 6th St was pretty lively with nearly every other bar featuring someone and a younger crowd for the most part. Then it was 4th St and the warehouse district, fewer noticeable bands playing though it looked like the weekend would be lively.

So this wandering around by myself now still has been sucking, though I think I am finding some rhythm that gets me through. I have been able to see and appreciate a little more instead of just being overwhelming. I still have those moments were I have to take that deep breath. Though I have found that listening to a little music, specially things that Beth liked helps too. hmm. back around to the music…my message in a bottle.

Time for me to hit the road again I guess. Going for a cruise around the city again then lunch with friends then might help stuff bags for the events this weekend. Met some really great people with the LAF yesterday and will see them again today.

Bats! a night with a few bats and lots of rain…

So right next to the hotel that I am in is the famed Congress St Bridge, where up to 1.5 million bats live.

Every night they come out around sunset and set to eating lots and lots of bugs. Its a good thing as at the same time it seems as though the bugs come out. It is hard to see in this video, but the bats were flying around under the bridge. It was raining pretty hard so as they would venture out from under the protection they would immediately turn back for cover, which was were I was standing…

While I was out watching I came away with a few bites… one of the info booths that I read said that in some areas a single colony of bats can eat several hundred of thousands of pounds a night. Cool. Beth would have appreciated that.

About the bike…

Long awaited, at least by me, my new Renovo R4 Pursuit.

I had some special lettering placed on the top tube of the frame. I continue to shape this meditation or mantra into my new world. With each day bringing a different meaning, and in each activity. I imagine it will for now bring me a different motivation with every challenge I might face.

You might also notice another inspirational note to the frame of the bike. When I was at the Renovo shop, looking for the right wood to include in the frame I came across a great piece for the accent layer. (yes the frame is made of wood for those who didn’t know, read more here) Bubinga or African Rose wood has a wonderful red color to it, with gold striations and hints of blond/brown. In certain light it looked to me a lot like Beth’s hair, and reminded me of her beautiful red head.

So far I am having a wonderful time out riding on it. It’s smooth yet very agile and responsive. At somewhere around 17 pounds I can jump on the peddles and be clipping down the road at 20mph very easily. The hills are just a little easier too. While some would ask if I plan on getting a little more serious about riding with such a bike, for now its just about being out there. While the kind of riding that I do wouldn’t justify it, I figured life isn’t justified, get it for its beauty and see where it takes you.

So here I sit, I am in Austin getting ready for the LiveStrong weekend and the Ride for the Roses. I only have about 75 miles in on the new machine and will get out there some before Sunday. I am really glad to be here, though of course wish I could share it more with Beth. I am going to head out to the Lance Armstrong Foundation this afternoon and meet with a couple of the staff there. I will have more as the week rolls along so check back if you have a chance.