Off The Top Of My Head

one year passed…

from some writings of June 24, 2010…

I woke this morning thinking something would feel different, that I would have a moment of profound connection, or that through the lapse of time I would be visited by a spirit of clarity and peace. Really it isn’t like any other day, yet it IS like every other day.

I really struggled with how to exist in this day. Beth wouldn’t want the day marked as a day to remember her. She would acknowledge that the day that she died, for those who knew her, their emotions might be raw, it might be a day that you are more reflective, sad, angry or miss her just that much more. But to mark it as a day for her, one reserved in some way in her honor… no, she wouldn’t want that.

I did want to find her in some way. I got up at 3:50 this morning to be awake and aware at that same moment that she passed from this place to where ever she is now. Nothing in particular happened. I didn’t feel that much different than the day before, or likely how I will feel tomorrow. After dropping Michael, Melanthia and Max at the airport, I decided to head down to Alki and watch the sunrise over the city. The scene was very peaceful and I was able to clear a lot of space in my head to be with Beth. Beth would have never been up for the sunrise in the middle of the summer… 5:00 am, no way. Though I know the idea would have brought a smile to her face.

After sitting for awhile, the sun just coming up over the tops of the city skyline I headed up to the Alaska Junction to have a croissant and coffee. Sharing a morning coffee with that girl was one of the best ways to start a morning. Remembering Beth, and in a similar way my Dad, often centers around food memories and favorites. Twiced baked croissants, a good cup of coffee, a nice spicy green curry, salted caramel ice cream. I had the first two and the last.

There are certain parts of both places that I am in now that I wish I could combine. Sitka has been really good for me. My mind is quiet there, I can think without being overwhelmed. I am in great shape from not only building my house but also all of the activities that I can engage in there (sometimes more to the point have to engage in with Erika, Pete, Kobi and Anan). The past year is really hard to quantify or say how it really has gone in just a few words.

….

playing a little catch-up

sorry to all for not getting updates up regularly lately about the house… over the past several weeks Pete and I were working insanely long days in order to get the house buttoned up before my two week trip down to Seattle. I was at the house for at least 10 hours a day if not 12 or 13. We worked every minute we could up to a somewhat courteous 8pm curfew on powertools and hammering….

Here are a few pictures of where things are now.

Link is to a video of the trusses from the inside of the house.

trusses up and a cover over the house

a few quick pictures from a big week so far

Driving the forklift to Wachusetts

most of the floor is on! a little video look….

a day of appreciation

woke up this morning thinking about how much my mom has given me over the past almost 39 years. We take for granted a lot of times the things our mothers did for us in our childhood years. Some hard to remember, some very formative. I am very grateful for all of that. I am also extremely lucky and appreciative for how my mom has stood beside me in the last several years, supporting not only me but how she was there for Beth.

There were many times when mom would drop what ever was going on here in Sitka and come down to spend time with us. She was there unconditionally for whatever we might have needed. I know for myself I would have been in an entirely different place had it not been for her support, love and understanding.

It pains me too that we have that mutual understanding of how life can change as it has. We don’t talk about it much but I think we have an unspoken understanding about what each other might need. How to negotiate ourselves around in our new worlds, and when to step in and be there for one another. Though, as usual, mom is there for me more than I am there for her I think.

Happy Mothers Day, today and always mom. Also, a very happy mothers day to Erika. A mom with the energy, drive and compassion of 100 moms! You rock! Many, many happy wishes to all of my other ‘moms’ out there! I love you all!

building on a good foundation

So this process of course has a lot of parallels in it that are symbolic in my life of course. I sometimes feel its a little too much to even admit or write about. Always referring to the grand metaphors, reflecting about how life tells us things about ourselves, feeling like there is some reason I find myself stopping to think back about what just happened and what lies ahead. It all can feel a little “whoo, whoo” sometimes! Ah, whatever… it is what it is.
I found myself thinking a lot about foundations over the past couple of weeks. How starting with a solid, well planned, no corners cut foundation makes for  a much nicer base to build from. We spend a lot of time, and I am sure more money, in making this house foundation work right. I have a great pad to build on now, a great place to start creating the rest of the house and I guess what could become my home.

The foundation of my life was very well built in my years with Beth. I feel like I wasn’t able to fully complete it, though think I have tried to continue with the solid platform I have so far. Every now and again I feel like I slip a little. Then I bring myself back to working it out right.

so much progress

So we have been working hard at pushing a lot of dirt around and have started on the forms for the foundation. I have had little time to sit and write. Well, I had sometime the other night but it was spent nursing a twisted ankle, which is doing much better though I still have to step carefully!

this is from day one of the excavation…

pictures from the next couple of days… I will get another montage put together tonight.

Life here in Sitka…

A view from the top of Castle Hill this morning.

Luna and I are out on a walk. Just stopped in to the Backdoor Cafe for a cup of Raven’s Brew and a snack. Beautiful out this morning though the weather is supposed to pick up with winds howling in at over 60 knots later this afternoon. Snow and rain though out the day.

The following is from my first week here in town. We all headed out for a little hike up Beaver Lake Trail. Being out in the old growth green of Sitka has been great for my soul. I can feel life creeping back in and the touch of my roots through the ground. Getting out there with the boys is fun!

3/3/03 …

Seven years ago yesterday. I was never very good with dates, and in the last year actually knowing what day it is can be a stretch for me. I woke up this morning thinking that it was 3/3/10 so I guess I am actually a day late on remembering the significance of yesterdays anniversary.
It was seven years ago as I mentioned before that Beth was wheeled out of her first surgery, tumor free. That successful first surgery brought us 5 plus years of tumor free living. It wasn’t easy times, and for the first several we lived in fear of hearing the dreaded words of her cancer’s return. But we lived a lot in those years following. I think that is part of the reason why I don’t feel sad thinking about this being seven years after that time, yet she isn’t with me any more. I remember a lot of trials, but I also remember hikes, kayak trips, travels to South America, birthdays, road trips, family gatherings, nephews and nieces being born. Life went on and we lived it. Life for me now goes on and I am trying my best to live it.
It’s turning out to be a beautiful day here in Sitka. It snowed this morning and now the sun is out and the air is crisp. I am going back outside…

words from a friend’s blog

http://www.blizzardd.blogspot.com/

“BREATHE DEEP OF THAT YET SWEET AND LUCID AIR, SIT QUIETLY FOR A WHILE AND CONTEMPLATE THE PRECIOUS STILLNESS, THAT LOVELY, MYSTERIOUS, AND AWESOME SPACE.”

The above blog is by a woman who Erika and I met in Austin at last year’s Ride of the Roses. Liz is battling lung cancer and has inspired me with her words and musings. She is really strong and is battling really hard right now. Her foe has been tough but I think she has been just a little tougher in her fight. I am thinking of you Liz and sending you all the healing energy that I can from the ‘Last Frontier’! Be well

the slag has been burned

Just finished up burning up my seven foot tall slag pile. Most of it was brush and branches from the lot clearing that the previous owner had started on. When I first got to town three weeks ago I decided to pile it all up and burn it up rather than having to pay for a dump load of greens. The first several weeks of being in town it has been far too dry to safely burn that big of a pile so I decided to wait for a few days of rain. Turned out to be a good call as this pile would have been a pretty big fire had it not been nice and wet!
I was going to take a few pictures of it while it was burning in the beginning but it turned out that tending it was all I could do. Garden hose in hand I kept the pile from fully errupting and tended a very hot spot to pull everything else over to. About four hours later I was left with what you see here… though by the time I had it down to this level I had already had a visit from the fire department! whoops, should have warned them I guess. They didn’t come rushing over and didn’t actually seem all that concerned when they arrived as they chatted with my neighbor for 10 minutes before they came over to talk with me. The conversation was cordual and ended with a friendly suggestion that next time I might come down and get a burn permit from them. Who knew! Well, not the 10 or so people that I talked to about doing the burn over the past couple of weeks. I guess talking with the local authorities might be a wise idea rather than asking random friends!

It really helps having that pile out of the way as I am beginning to be able to see better what I might like to do with the various designs have developed over the past six months. I will be sitting down with a number of my favorites to see if additional ideas come into view. My hope is to have at least a good enough idea of a general foot print for the house so that I can scratch out a building pad and more of a driveway later this month. Then once I have the plans okayed by the city building planners, I should be able to go forward with the foundation! I can almost picture the framing going up now! Yeah!